If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
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Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out