@weinerdog4life: If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
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@SCbchbum: Friend: I want a baby. Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
@ilovepie84: I play Nickelback real loud all day so crickets can listen to something annoying when they try to sleep
@Ally__Jam: I've bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They're not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
@basit_saeed: When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound: "Please let it be my leg, Lord."