If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
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You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
j o i m p
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
My favorite farside!!
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?