@weinerdog4life: If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
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@topaz_kell: [talking to myself in the mirror] "You will not be awkward today." Person: "Hey" Me: "Good. How are you?"
@WilliamAder: "Down" "Penetration" "Tight End" "Ball handling" Don't the networks have censors any more?
@GoodZiIIa: [after wife gives birth] wife: he has your eyes me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby