@weinerdog4life: If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
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@sarcasm_inc: HI I SPIT GUM OUT OF MY CAR ON THE FREEWAY AND IT BLEW BACK IN MY EAR 911: Sir, u need to pull over WHAT 911: Use your other ear, sir WHAT
@lecalabara: Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
@ieatanddrink: I like telling car salesmen "Listen, we both know I'm not here to buy a car" and trying to figure out what it is they think I'm there to do
@WhatevaConc: A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.