If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
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[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom