I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
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It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT