if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
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Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Childbirth is so beautiful
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
the noise i just made
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.