if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
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Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.