@kelkulus: If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you're using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
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@WilliamAder: Me: How do you like being an Uber driver. Driver: I don't work for Uber. Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn't I?
@LoveNLunchmeat: [deathbed] Son, your online girlfriend, how closely cropped are her pics? -Just face, Dad. She's very modest She's. A. Dude. *flatlines*
@JohnLyonTweets: Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You're distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.