If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
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Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I can’t stop watching this.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.