If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
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I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.