Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
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What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
nature’s most graceful animal
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.