If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
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Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.