If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
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Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road