If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
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How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I pray every night that I never become religious…
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.