[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
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[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.