@Hadzilla: If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
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@Not_From_Troy: I did a survey and asked 5 women what kind of clothing brand they preferred. The 5 responded: "How the hell did you get into my house?"
@Godhatespants: Him: drink? Me: I have a boyfriend Him: I have a goldfish Me: What??? Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don't matter
@DeanB15: I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.