If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
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A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Good morning, Twitter 😊
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.