If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
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Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Somebody call the cops.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink