If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
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I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Camping tip: No.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Just a friendly reminder!
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.