that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
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[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Yup….perfect score!
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones