@__candypants: If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.
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@iGreenMonk: My girlfriend says she doesn't trust me. At least that's one thing she has in common with my wife.
@Xoolun: My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with bodybuilding. I could feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.
@hardlyrelevant: (pretending to be well-read to impress a girl) War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one “What was your favorite part?” I’d have to say the Peace