saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
You Might Also Like
The “research” scene in every horror movie
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I think this should do it.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Ah yes. The three genders
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.