@__candypants: If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.
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@david8hughes: [watches you eat my bday cake] "I've poisoned that." "Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?" [leans in & winks] "Poison."
@Parentpains: Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.
@shariv67: The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.