“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
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*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?