@Ristolable: "If you break up with me, I will beach myself." -dramatic whale
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@That_Damn_Duck: Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
@rockymomax: MORGAN FREEMAN: I'm here to narrate your life ME: cool! [2 hrs later] MF: he's still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
@thejessbess: I'm rubber. You're glue. I don't conduct low voltage electricity. You're great for arts & crafts.
@steveolivas: 12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush -- so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth. His protest was legendary.