“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
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“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.