@Rollinintheseat: If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they'll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you'll have enough money to buy an orange.
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@awkwardphilippe: Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
@jus4golf: You're Twitter famous. Cool, cool. I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
@huntigula: Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film! Me: U too! TC: Really? You'll take me with u? Me: I didn't mean.. TC: Oh, I see Me: I'm sor TC: [sobs] JUST GO
@noneofyours99: Texts son - to come and hand me my drink 5 feet away God he's lazy, took him ten minutes to reply