If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
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So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.