If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
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My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
me hooking up with my ex
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
taking June’s advice to heart
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Breaking news:
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”