@Lisa_Laughs_: If you buy a house off Craig's List, it comes with a free serial killer.
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@shegotagronk: I'm reenacting the War of 1812 with 47 gummy bears so I think the Ambien has finally kicked in. Casualties have been immense... & delicious
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Boss: We're all human. We all make mistakes. Me: [holds up a sign from the back of the conference room that says #NotAllHumans]
@gorrdano: Don't ever let anybody outshine you in life. If that means arriving at someone's funeral in a casket, then so be it.
@stephenjmolloy: *6 hours of Russian roulette* Me: "I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun."