@Lisa_Laughs_: If you buy a house off Craig's List, it comes with a free serial killer.
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@KKAlThani: A cop stopped me & asked "do you know why I followed you" so I said "cause my tweets are funny" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in jail.
@liv_thatsme: *knocking on my neighbor’s door* Me: Hey, can you guys stop fighting while I run to the store? I wanna hear how this ends.