Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
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My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs