@Lisa_Laughs_: If you buy a house off Craig's List, it comes with a free serial killer.
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@MikeLonghelt: It's never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it's too late.
@Dutch_50: Acquaintances: "So what have you been up to?" What I hear: "Please explain yourself, we're trying to figure you out."
@pinupteacher: [Chaperoning field trip] ME BEFORE WE GO: Only rule is don't lose any kids. AFTER I LOSE A KID: New rule. You're allowed to lose one kid.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose. Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix*