Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
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I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
broke down and did it
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Rather alarming headline…
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you