The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
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no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
This guy’s not having it 😆
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*