I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
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2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
That lamp looks PISSED.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.