If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
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[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.