If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
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As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.