If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
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Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.