[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
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[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I love the National Park Service.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]