If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
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Story of my life…..
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!