If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
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I pray every night that I never become religious…
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before