If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
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Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.