If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
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*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
*aggressively waits in line*
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.