If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Ironic
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
*skinny dips into black hole
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?