If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
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If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
his wife is probably gonna see that
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.