If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
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Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”