tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
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I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Our lord and savoury.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault