If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
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My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I cannot call her anything else now
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are