If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
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[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.