@BackrowSeats: If you can't be with the one you love then be with the one who has the best cable package.
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@alfageeek: When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
@KeetPotato: henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife's head off and i can't get a txt back
@qwertying: Husband: Why are there broken condoms on our couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.
@julie2288: Pregnancy tests in movies are so weird... She hands him the test and he stands there holding this stick of pee like it isn't a stick of pee