@BackrowSeats: If you can't be with the one you love then be with the one who has the best cable package.
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@ericsshadow: Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about? Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
@brennadine: [Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws [Legs move wildly] THAT'S IT I'M WAKING HIM "No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie."
@TheTweetOfGod: The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
@TheBoydP: Coworker: Did you spank your sons? Me: Not a lot Coworker: What about your wife? Me: Yes, I spanked her all the time Coworker: ...