@sarcasticmommy4: "If you can't beat them, join them," I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
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@UnFitz: [first date] Her: So what do you do? Him: I'm a scientist. Her: Cool. What kind? Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
@SarcasticAlly12: Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you're doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
@david8hughes: [first day as a soldier] Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs Me: where we going? Army guy: to war, soldier Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
@TheMichaelRock: *puts on shirt* *shirt rips because of my muscles* *gets yelled at for ruining 5yo's shirt*