“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
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How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Des Moines Police having a normal one
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.