“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
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FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I have obtained a hat
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.