If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
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I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?