@cessperience: If you can't beat them, try again when they're sleeping.
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@EmilyFreestone1: *boyfriend and girlfriend in shower* Girl: do bad things to me babe Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
@Holy_Mowgli: ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
@TheMichaelRock: CW: I spent all weekend raking leaves. Me: I don't rake. CW: Leaves will kill your grass! Me: I wonder how grass survived before humans.