@cessperience: If you can't beat them, try again when they're sleeping.
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@electrolemon: scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer's name. "weighin' in at 182 lbs, 5'9", the ol' black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!"
@mattchew81: A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say "I'm bored, let's go brush your teeth!"
@moose_chocolate: The groundhog in our town died on Sunday. I can't imagine how long our winter will be now.
@jazmasta: [Walks into steam room at gym] "good morning my.." "Dave no!" "my est.." "Please Dave no.." "..My eSTEAMed colleagues" "Everyone hates you"