Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
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It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing