if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
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You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.