“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
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Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe