@LouisPeitzman: If you can't handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don't deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don't know.
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@therealeatwood: ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes? HER: What? No, I said asterisks. ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!
@mjkspeaks: Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said "I love you." He didn't even die. Killing people with kindness is hard.
@TheCatWhisprer: I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
@TexasHickspanic: The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.