I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
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5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?