i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
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Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck